This week, a bunch of ladies are getting their knickers in a twist over Emma Thompson’s comments that working moms should take time off to be with their kids “if they can afford it,” as reported in the Daily Mail.
Thompson recently took a year off from movie-making to spend time with her 14-year-old daughter. “I taught drama…cooked meals, and had fun,” Thompson said.
Given the resulting comments and Twitter backlash, you would think she had threatened to report working moms for neglect and then kicked a puppy on her way out the door.
True, most of us feel too overwhelmed by the burden of mortgage or rent, car payments, and (let’s hope) savings for retirement/our children’s education to fathom taking a year off from work, no matter how much we’d like to do it.
But is it really so bad to say, “I loved taking time off to spend with my kid. I recommend it, if you can swing it”?
Sheesh.
Happy Parent, Happy Child?
I do wonder if Thompson is overlooking the fact that some people actually really enjoy working and maybe wouldn’t be good full-time parents.
Am I a bad parent for saying I wouldn’t want to take a year off from work, even if I could?
Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with my daughter. Love it. There is nothing better than seeing her pudgy little face at the end of each day. But I look forward to seeing her so much because we spend that time apart. If we were together every day, it would wear me down, and I just wouldn’t appreciate our time as much.
It may be because I have a toddler and because staying home with her requires laser focus all day long. It’s physically and mentally exhausting, whereas with a child who is in school you get a break during the day to starch the shirts and prepare a pot roast, then greet your kids with fresh-baked cookies as they hop off the big yellow bus. (At least, that’s how it worked in Leave It to Beaver, which I’m pretty sure is accurate.)
So maybe taking a year off to be a full-time mom would be more appealing with a school-age child or teenager. But what is the “right” age for that year of bonding? And why would that single year provide such a benefit to both parent and child?
I’d argue that the kids who are best off are those whose mothers are happy with their choices, whether it’s working hard at a job they love or being a SAHM.
Maybe I’m naive. (I’m pretty new to parenting, after all.) But I’ve never thought it was selfish for a parent to pursue his or her career or a hobby, even if it takes away from some time spent with their kids. (Within reason. Ditching your kids to move to L.A. and audition for The Voice? Not cool.)
It’s good for a child to see a parent who is confident, happy, and ambitious. Kids don’t only believe what you tell them, they believe your behaviour. Tell a child they’re smart but berate yourself for being stupid, and they may end up mirroring your self-doubt instead of basking in your praise. Your self-worth affects their self-worth.
Having It All…Isn’t
That said, I don’t knock anyone for their choices. Parenting is hard. Doing the same level of work at your job after becoming a parent as you did before is really hard if not impossible. And I believe, as Thompson does, that you can’t always have it all. There’s a reason that 43 percent of working women leave their jobs or cut back on work after having children.
If you want to spend time with your kids, something has to give. And often that something is work. (Well, first housework, then work work!) For most of us struggling through without live-in nannies, housekeepers, and chefs, tough choices must be made.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t juggle a career and being a parent—especially with a little help from friends, family, babysitters, and the occasional cleaning service. You may not be able to be the mom you want to be and also become prime minister or the CEO of Google, but you can do a pretty good job for your kids while building a career.
So what I intend to strive for is being a “chill” mom who focuses on quality rather than quantity with my child and allows “pretty good” to be good enough. I’ll let you know how it goes.
