Once upon a time I wasn’t a mother. I was a single lady (put your hands up), without a care in the world. I never had to wipe a bum or help with learning to read or tuck anyone into bed (well…sometimes…). I didn’t have a favourite dinosaur a favourite Star Wars character, a favourite superhero, a favourite Harry Potter spell or even a favourite hockey team (Triceratops, Obi-Wan, Iron Man, Tarantallegra and The Habs in case you’re curious).
During this time pre-child, I was blissfully unaware of the things that would happen to me and around me once I did have a child permanently affixed to my life.
Here are just a few things I never thought I would say…to anyone. Keep in mind I said each and every one of these this past Sunday. One day folks. I said them in one day.
“Please take your fingers out of my coffee.”
“No, sweetie, I don’t think you can actually cast a spell on me with your [plastic] Harry Potter wand.”
“We don’t spit on the Toronto Maple Leafs.”
“Yes, evolution did happen.”
“I understand you wanted to wash them, but putting rocks in the washing machine probably wasn’t a smart decision.”
“You are wearing two pairs of underwear. I asked you to change your underwear, not put a clean pair on top of a dirty pair.”
“Yes, I promise you, we evolved from apes.”
“Fingers out of your nose while you’re talking, please.”
“If you’re going to dance and sing in the living room, please put some clothes on.”
“Yes, we evolved…changed…it happened a long time ago…no, your friend isn’t actually an ape now.”
“Boogers don’t belong on the wall.”
“Where the heck did you learn the term “Kingpin”?
“Please take the dinosaur out of your mouth.”
And my personal favourite (this weekend anyway):
“Wow, yep, you’re right, that is a massive amount of pee…thanks for sharing.”
I think I need to talk to some adults today. I only hope I don’t have to tell any of my coworkers that they are wearing two pairs of underwear.