Maybe some of you out there have a dream Mother-in-law? Kind, respectful, accommodating, and good with the grandkids. I know some of my friends have great relationships with their mother in laws, and see them often. And then I have other friends who grit their teeth when they have to visit their in laws.
Unfortunately, I am more in the latter situation than the former.
Now I don’t mean to single out mothers here. It’s just that in the generation of our parents, let’s face it, most of the grandparent time tends to be driven by grandmothers.
My MIL lives on the other side of the country, so although she is not a daily or weekly part of lives, she does come to spend chunks of time with us. And when I say “with us”, I really mean WITH us. She stays at our house. She makes no plans of her own, and does not want to do anything solo. She has no way of transporting herself anywhere (won’t take a taxi, the subway or rent a car). She wants to spend every single meal, and every day doing things…well, with us. The fact that we have school, homework, jobs, and plenty of other commitments (activities, boards, book club, etc) does not seem to deter her from expecting a full 2 weeks of entertainment and engagement.
And then there are the culture clashes. We are not from a different culture per se, but there are some major differences between how we are choosing to raise our kids, and how she raised hers. And this causes problems, as she sometimes has difficulty accepting and respecting my choices. Some of the most irritating points of friction are not even big philosophical issues (although some are). Some are quite minor. Say for instance, limiting sugar or not over-indulging on the gift front. It seems a simple request, but one that she has chosen regularly not to take into consideration. Its very difficult as a parent to be under-mined by others around you.
Now, on the other hand, as a mother of two boys, I am terrified that one day I will become the dreaded mother in law! That helps give me patience when she is around, but it also has me thinking about how to ensure I don’t end up viewed in that way.
So, here are my pledges for the future.
First, right now, make a commitment to family time. No matter how busy, we need to have some sacred, dedicated family moments that we all enjoy. Usually we do a nice family meal together on Sundays. We also do movie nights on Friday nights. And pancake breakfasts on Saturdays. By marking how important family and family time is, hopefully any future spouses will need to tolerate – and ideally enjoy – this time. I say hopefully, as I want to be realistic. But if your kids enjoy the time you spend together as a family unit, hopefully they will continue to seek out this time when they are married.
Next, I will try to accept with a completely open mind the spouses my children choose. And I will try to remember, if they have kids, that I was not a perfect parent, and that everyone makes their own choices in the best interest of their kids. I will do my best not to judge but to accept the choices that my children and their spouses make. I will NOT try to undermine those choices. (Or maybe I should say I will TRY not to!)
I will make sure that I have my own life outside of my kids. Although I will always want my kids in my life, and certainly when they have kids of their own, I take it I will be DYING to spend time with those little ones! However, it is important not to lose sight of my interests, my friends, my husband, and me time. Relying on your kids and grandchildren for all of your holidays and happy time is setting yourself up for disappointment.
Finally, I will be one of those helpful parents and mother in laws. I will not expect my children and their spouses to roll out the red carpet and impress me with elaborate meals, or entertain me. I will be happy to pitch in and do my part, as a members of a family unit normally would. High expectations often are the root of stress on both sides.
But for now, I try to take a deep breath and offer acceptance to my mother in law. As much as I find time with her difficult, I know she is my kids grandmother, and my husband’s mother. And I certainly do not want to set an example for my kids that mothers don’t matter!
So I grind my teeth and smile. The visit will be over soon.
