Many people go through this, but not many talk about it: how to keep things hot after a baby.
I have been asked to write about sex and intimacy after having a baby so many times. First, I want to point out that this is coming from personal experience and my own personal views on the topic and from secondhand stories from other women.
Let’s start from the beginning shall we?
Life Before Baby: A Lover’s Paradise
We meet the person who we end up falling madly in love with. We go out as we please, late dinners, maybe some dancing, trips, career, etc. Lots of uninterrupted “alone time”—we can stay in bed together all weekend, put the phone on silent and we are in “love land” surrounded by rainbows and unicorns. Welcome to the honeymoon phase!
As more time passes we get more serious, move in together, and maybe get married. At that point, not a huge change from dating, other than you may now have a joint bank account! But you still get to do as you please, like going out with friends and travelling.
Life, for the most part, stays the same, until…drum roll…that one eventful day when you discover that there is a little miracle on the way after all the practicing you two have done! Boy, does that change things!
The Post-Baby Draught
Some women become pregnant and don’t want anything to do with their partner. Others can’t get enough, and then there are those who fall in between. Which ever one you are, don’t worry, it won’t last forever, even though it might feel that way. Pregnancy can feel like it lasts years. It is 10 months of hormone changes, body constantly changing, and forget about your moods—that requires a whole new blog post!
We have so many doubts and worries as women carrying our babies that sometimes the last thing we want to do is be intimate with our partner. But now we get to the good part.
The little bundle arrives and you are both speechless and mesmerized but at the same time you need toothpicks to stay awake. Forget about being even remotely interested in sex. You are advised to wait six weeks before being sexually active, and most women have no problem with that—at least that was true for me!
Once that six-week mark hits you realize that those days of just the two of you are over and that everything takes massive amount of planning and organizing going forward—and that includes bedroom talk.
The question that I hear often over at my blog at MomEtc.com is, “You and your husband look so happy together, make time for one another. I see couples that end up hating one another after the baby gets there and end up getting divorced. What are you guys doing differently?”
The “Secret” To Post-Baby Sex
The answer is simple, at least to me: date nights and time alone (that means just you!) without the baby.
We started date nights when Avery was six weeks old. Unfortunately, we do not have family to help out so we had to find someone who was reliable and trustworthy. Trust me, that was not an easy task! Many interviews later we finally found our Rosa. She has been a lifesaver to say the least.
My husband and I have an agreement that once a week (usually on Fridays) we have a date night. Maybe go to dinner, see friends, go bowling or to an event. We also get our Rosa on Sunday afternoons for a few hours—not always, but it has been our ritual and worked wonders so we try to keep it consistent—on those Sundays, we take a few hours and ride our bike, grab a drink, etc.
During the week you are both busy working, whether you are working from home like us or commuting it’s tough to really “see each other”. On your date night (or day), plan something where you can reconnect after a long week and have some fun together like you used to. Be a little spontaneous, sexy, and whatever else you want to be.
I know it’s hard, so if you can’t get away for date night, cook your partner a nice dinner after the baby is asleep, turn off the TV and enjoy being with each other.
Make time for yourself, too! Go for a run, go for a hike, or go to the gym; maybe take a yoga class.
A Note About Guilt
Please ignore comments from others like, “Who’s watching the baby?” or “Wow, you’re going out when you have a baby?” Our reply often is, “Pepe our dog is watching her, she’s fine she’s asleep”. (As we roll our eyes.) What I really want to reply is, “We had a baby, we’re not dead!”
Most of these comments will come from people who have no children or who are projecting their own worries or insecurities. Ignore them and remember that you are doing what you think is best for you and your family!
* * *
I would be lying if I said the intimacy doesn’t change after having a baby. On the other hand, you are more connected on a level that you never thought possible. You created life together and are responsible for that little thing. We are all Wonder Women and able to multitask, have careers, have happy home lives, and have babies.
We all do our best on the daily and we all do things differently. This is what works for my family and me and I couldn’t be happier. I hope you found your answer at whatever stage of relationship you are in. Just make sure to cherish them all, because they come and go so fast.
This post first appeared on MomEtc.com.
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