Brothers and sisters.
Those two little words can conjure up big emotions. After all, siblings are our first playmates and even our first rivals. Growing up together gives siblings the unique privilege of forging intricate relationships that can be difficult to explain on any given day. All those years of fighting over who got to pick the television channel, or who got to eat the last piece of cake, allowed siblings to share life experiences that bond them for life.
No matter the good or the bad, siblings experience it together. Granted, they might have quarreled or teased their brothers and sisters from time to time, but that didn’t mean they loved each other any less. This complicated love and hate relationship is evident with many siblings, but it can be especially true in families that have a child with special needs.
Siblings in special-needs families
Raising a child with special needs naturally requires us to spend a little extra one-on-one time with that child to ensure their needs are being met. There will undoubtedly be times when our other children pick up on this, which can inevitably lead to feelings of resentment. Those feelings are very real to a child and can lead to sibling rivalry.
Generally, brothers and sisters are supportive of a child with special needs. They will go the extra mile to be helpful, but everyone has rough days, and at some point siblings may feel jealous, resentful, or angry. And when that happens, our normally understanding child might react in unpredictable ways when they think that their brother or sister with special needs is receiving more attention from Mom and Dad.
Competition for parental affection can easily manifest into a sibling rift and parental resentment. Unfortunately, it’s a normal part of living with brothers and sisters, even if a child is normally protective and compassionate. Sibling rivalry can lead to a child acting out, hiding their emotions, and even disregarding a parent’s authority.
Techniques for supporting siblings
These strong emotions can be challenging for any family, but even more so in a special needs family. Thankfully, there are a few tips to help parents make all members of the family feel valued. To reduce sibling resentment for a child with special needs, please read the following techniques to help support these family members:
1. Take a deep breath and remember they are children.
It’s difficult to handle arguing and pouting, but sibling conflicts are a natural occurrence. The siblings’ ages can also impact the situation and how they process what is happening in the family. Younger children often react with tantrums, or have a hard time understanding why their brother or sister gets extra attention. Explain things to them on their level, so they can grow up with a strong understanding of special needs.
2. Locate a support group or organization for siblings who are in a family with special needs.
It doesn’t matter if you connect online or meet with a local community group, the main concern is that you are offering family members a safe outlet to express their feelings with peers who can relate to a shared experience. For more information, visit the Sibling Support Project or do a simple Internet search.
3. Allow siblings to pursue an activity or passion outside of the family.
Let them try out a new sport or organization to help develop their own identities and boost their self-image. Plus, they will get to make new friends and have some time away from their siblings.
4. Begin an ongoing discussion about the needs of the family and offer everyone a chance to voice their needs.
Avoid hiding the situation from siblings and help them grasp the reality you are dealing with. Many children will seek attention, positive or negative, any way they can if they feel they are being neglected. Provide them with opportunities to talk openly about their emotions, concerns, and fears.
5. Plan one-on-one time with each sibling.
We know that raising a child with special needs often requires us to put in a little extra effort and time, but it is necessary to schedule quality time with everyone. Hire a sitter or rearrange an afternoon to allow individual bonding time with each child.
In your family, what works to help combat sibling rivalry? Tell us on Facebook @HelpWeveGotKids or Twitter @HelpWeveGotKids!
Amy Williams is a freelance journalist based in Southern California, and a mother of two. As a parent, she enjoys spreading the word on positive parenting techniques in the digital age and raising awareness on issues like cyberbullying and online safety. Follow her on twitter @AmyKWilliams1.
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